Aaron's life

[ExLibris]

"It seems way too coincidental, especially since the PC has apparently never seen either of them before." - sorry there I don't understand what you want to say. You want to say that PC don't see them together?

My point is simply that, for me, there were too many coincidences for it to be believable. The coincidence that a girl that the PC randomly meets at a gym he's never been to before turns out to be having an affair with Dirk isn't too bad. It's Lily's gym, so it's plausible that Dirk goes there too and that's where he met Sandy. It's the fact that it turns out that Sandy works in the same building as the PC but somehow he's never seen her before, even though the companies they work for share bathroom facilities, that I find unbelievable (together with the fact that the first time he does see her at his work is when she is inflagrante delicto with Dirk). It didn't help that the assumption I made (based off the visuals) was that the PC's company was large enough to occupy one entire floor of the building, rather than sharing it with another company (plus the fact that the game currently doesn't explain that Sandy works in the same building, and Sandy seems to be dressed far too casually to be at work).

There are certainly ways of writing around that. One that occurs to me is that Sandy and the PC recognise each other at the gym, and that's why Sandy seeks the PC out later.

Mia dressed like that because: (from game - "[Mia:] "Sorry Aaron, but I'm running late for a date with my boyfriend. Maybe some other time?" - and where they go with Dirk? Maybe to the club?)

That would be more plausible to me if it wasn't the middle of the day (judging by the backgrounds). For that matter, why does Mia visit the PC if she's already running late for a date with Dirk?

Sorry if it seems like I'm being too picky, but these were just things that bothered me.

[Dakutis]

Sorry if it seems like I'm being too picky, but these were just things that bothered me.

It's ok, but as I wrote before, I do not have a story, and I can not answer such questions because I do not know myself, and I agree that some actions did not fit in with each other.
But if I want to correct all things, it means that I have to start all over again.

Now I do not know if it is worth for me to continue.

[Greebo]

There you go: new washroom now it is better?

Oh yes! It almost makes me want to work there!

[PapaSmurf]

this has alot of potential

[tlaero]

Dakutis, you and Superawesome should take a deep breath and think about the game you want to make. The images you have are most likely usable in that game, so you don't have to actually start over. But maybe reworking the storyline a bit isn't a bad idea. I stress again, you two should collaborate on the whole story. Superawesome is interested in working on a game like this. It would be a shame if all you had him do was clean up the English.

Tlaero

[jfrancois323]

I must said the same thing as tlaero, your picture are nice. their size are perfect. But i got deceive by the story, it could get more meat on the bone. For a first try, he's so great !!

with that in mind, the game should be only better !!

[Greebo]

It would be a shame if all you had him do was clean up the English.

Tlaero

As it happens I did an English clean up job -- Superawesomemans took my clean up job and rewrote the whole thing because he thought it needed more than a clean up. Personally, I didn't think Dakutis did too bad a job in the first place for a first time, but I'm willing to concede that it probably could be better.

[tlaero]

Sorry, I'm speaking out of turn then. I played Dakutis' original demo before any editing was done and haven't tried the rewrite yet. I shouldn't be giving advice without seeing the current version. I'll try it soon.

Tlaero

[tlaero]

Okay, I just played it. The reworking of the text is really good, SuperAwesome. I hope you keep working on this. The actual story, however, hasn't changed since the original, though. Don't feel bound by the story you have. Take the pictures you've already got and work out a great story that incorporates most or all of them, and have Dakutis create extra images to fill in any gaps. You both have a lot of potential. Keep at it.

Tlaero

[Agrippa]

Dakutis, I have quite a fair amount of experience on gathering all of my momentum for a big push on a project just to deflate when adversity rears its ugly head. My advice? Don't.

Stories don't spring fully formed like Athena from Zeu's head and, even if they did, I wouldn't want someone to crack my noggin with a hammer each time I sat in front of a keyboard. In this forum you have found the collaboration of people who can supplement your own shortcomings with the English language (and Superawesomemans task is not to be scoffed at, it's not easy to put your own creativity aside and just make somebody else's idea happen) and the accumulated experience of established creators in your genre of choice. If they point out something in your story that just doesn't click, it's not a signal to scrap the project, but to rework it. Writing is, most of all, rewriting.

That being said, nobody likes to throw away perfectly good work. In this case, what you should do is look at what can be used. Ex-Libris clearly pointed out that it was too much of a stretch that meeting the girl from the gym two times in a row in a sexual situation was just a coincidence. Well, it didn't even occur to me that it was, I just assumed that the girl was stalking the player or was the other guy's lover, deciding to test the main character before he dated his sister. Maybe those ideas do not fit your overall vision of the project, but I am sure you can find other ways to explain why you would meet her in those circumstances. Coincidences are lazy writing, foreshadowing is not.

You have done the hardest thing anybody faces in a creative task: starting it. Everything from here on is no garden of roses, to be sure, but don't be discouraged; seeing a project through is always worth it.

Aggripa

[Squeeky]

Dakutis, I have quite a fair amount of experience on gathering all of my momentum for a big push on a project just to deflate when adversity rears its ugly head. My advice? Don't.
......
......
You have done the hardest thing anybody faces in a creative task: starting it. Everything from here on is no garden of roses, to be sure, but don't be discouraged; seeing a project through is always worth it.

Aggripa

Oh!!! As I began to read that first sentence I felt that you were about to accuse Lagooners of having deflated your ambitions! ***** wipes droplets from forehead ***

Thanks very much for affirming that there is great potential for collaboration, and it can come unexpectedly.

[Agrippa]

No thanks needed, and, of course, nothing further from my intentions than accusing the Laggon of such a heinous crime. Instead, I would accuse the community of being guilty of suffering my inflicting them with tired clichés and highly inappropiate Star Wars references in the middle of sex games, but Leonizer is the main perpetrator of that offense

... That and I don't want to be out of a job, so, keep on suffering, pretty please?

Agrippa

[Dakutis]

We (I and Superawesomemans) decided to start from beginning. Superawesomemans write story, and I will take care of the graphics and programing things (like functions and etc.) We will use some scenes and actors from demo if they fit in story.

[karrek]

Playing the demo I noticed there were some grammar/punctuation mistakes and a couple of places with odd phrasing. If you'd like someone to be a copy editor to look over the text for that kind of stuff I'd be happy to help. The demo is great and I'm really excited to see what you guys come up with in the finished product. I'd also be happy to help with any testing you need done.

[Greebo]

One problem with copy editing I find is that you go through what you're editing with a fine toothed comb, only to realise after you submit your edit that it has two or three apparently glaring mistakes! -- it can be useful to have more than one person check, although if your grasp of the language in question is a little weak, just one good editor can make a big difference