Aaron's life

[Dakutis]

This is probably just me nitpicking, but home old is Mia intended to be? The introduction states that the PC is 25 years old and that Mia was his childhood friend, which suggests they're of similar ages. However, the introduction also implies that Mia has just started college a few months ago, which would suggest that she's at least five years younger than the PC and makes it a little implausible that they were childhood friends. There are a lot of ways to write around that, but it just struck me as odd.

Gameplay-wise, it felt like there weren't enough decision-points during the game. The player spends most of their time just clicking through each scene, and where there is a choice of options it's usually obvious which is the best one. Also, the gym shower scene seemed very familiar... except that in this case there's no obvious reason why Lily would come into the men's showers to catch the PC.

In terms of formatting, I'm not a huge fan of listing the name of the speaker before they say anything (eg. [Mia:] "I'm going to) as though it was the script of a play. Generally it should be obvious from the context and the dialogue itself who is speaking. If it isn't, you can just add "she says" or "he says" at the end, which also gives you an opportunity to describe how they're saying something if you want (eg. "she says nervously"). You could also colour code the dialogue by speaker to make it stand out more.

I've PM'd you a list of typos, but the whole thing should probably be properly proof-read. I find that it's easiest to concatenate the individual html files into one single document.

A promising start though. Looking forward to how it turns out.

What is about Mia:yes she is 18 years old, and here is a text error, there must be Superawesomemans (he recreated all dialogues) did not understand my text. Yes a few scenes really are similar to Getting to Know Christine (like gym) and you ask about reason why Lily come, I think because PC was in shower to long. What about [name:], sometimes there is a few dialogues, and its hard to understand who is speaking. Yes maybe color code is better way, maybe in other game I change it.

[Greebo]

Mind you, just because 18 is about the usual college start age doesn't mean that there are no older freshers for college courses!

[tlaero]

Here's a trick to help in editing and proofreading. When your game is open in AdventureCreator, pull down "Edit->Dump Game View." That will take all of the text in the game and put it in a file called _gameview.txt. Then you can send that file to your editors, spell check it, etc.

Also, while you're editing the game, make sure you do Edit->Show Game View. That makes it easier to see what is going on across pages and open the one you're working on.

As for the similarities to Getting to Know Christine. There's nothing wrong with being similar to the game that inspired you at first, but now that you're collaborating with Superawesomemans I hope you make heavy use of each other. Don't just use him as a proofreader but start a private message thread and trade ideas on how the game should go and what scenes should happen. Although I do all the actual writing in our games, Phreaky and I spend a lot of time brainstorming ideas and coming up with scenes together. That collaboration definitely results in better games.

Advice to both of you, spend time thinking about the characters' stories. What do they like? What don't they like? Why are they doing what they're doing? The more you know about the characters, the more interesting they will be. And the more interesting the characters are, the more satisfying the game will be.

Also, spend a lot of time thinking about the challenge. The goal of the game is to have sex with the girl. What stands between the player and that goal? It doesn't have to be realistic, but it should be interesting. "I met this girl, said a few things to her, and she got naked" isn't nearly as interesting as "I needed to figure out what she wanted and convince her that I was worth having sex with." Etc.

In other words, story, story, story. You can never have too much story.

Tlaero

[Super]

Well, I've always wanted to make one of these things, but my artist skills suck, so I was glad to be able to latch on to this project

Anyway, I'd just like to know what people thought of my writing. Not so much the story since that wasn't what I really worked on, but I'd like to know how they feel about the general flow of it compared to other games of the genre and by its own merits.

Also, about Tlaero's suggestions: I pretty much agree and would love to help design one of these from the ground up. I think the most important thing to do from the beginning of the game is to design a flow chart about how the story goes before you start making the game. From what I understand, you're making this up as you go (correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I got), and that doesn't lead to a perfectly structured game and story.

[ExLibris]

Mind you, just because 18 is about the usual college start age doesn't mean that there are no older freshers for college courses!

That's true. Or she could have transferred to a different college in order for her post-graduate degree. However, the most likely assumption of the player is still that she's starting college at the typical age. If that isn't the case it should be explained, rather than forcing the reader to guess at what's happening. Also, it's a good idea to decide what she's studying and what sort of career she's planning to pursue. Even if that never comes up in conversation, it still gives you a clearer idea of who she is (edit: as Tlaero has already said).

[ttant]

Nice start for this game.
Btw, works fine on opera 12.11 (rc2), so i assume, it's ok with 12.10 too

[ExLibris]

In other words, story, story, story. You can never have too much story.

I'd add drama, drama, drama (although you can actually overdose on drama). At the moment it kind of feels like things progress too smoothly for the PC. There are no real obstacles thrown in his path. I have this theory that the more effort that a player has to expend in order to access a sex scene, the more they value it.

You should also consider how much branching the plot is going to have. Some HTML games have a lot of branching, some don't. The advantage of the latter is that you can tell a bigger story. The advantage of the former is that the player is having an effect on the outcome that goes beyond simple success/failure, and the game has greater replay value. Speaking of which, are you planning on implementing any sort of save game function?

As for the writing, some of the phrasing did sound a little awkward to me, but that might simply be because I would have written it differently. For instance, instead of "You turn around to the sound", I would have said "You turn towards the sound". Anyhow, the best piece of advice I've ever heard about writing is to read it out loud (especially the dialogue).

[sylakone2]

Well, I've always wanted to make one of these things, but my artist skills suck, so I was glad to be able to latch on to this project

Anyway, I'd just like to know what people thought of my writing. Not so much the story since that wasn't what I really worked on, but I'd like to know how they feel about the general flow of it compared to other games of the genre and by its own merits.

Also, about Tlaero's suggestions: I pretty much agree and would love to help design one of these from the ground up. I think the most important thing to do from the beginning of the game is to design a flow chart about how the story goes before you start making the game. From what I understand, you're making this up as you go (correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I got), and that doesn't lead to a perfectly structured game and story.

I agree with you here Super I have written flow charts for everyday and every character in my game.
I also put in the variables that will be adjusted and which variables are checked it has made it a lot easier to maintain and structure the story.
Also since there are large breaks between when I can find time to produce it.
I'm able to see what I'm up to so I don't loose the flow of the game.

Keep it up and I'm sure you guys will have an end product you are happy with.

Plus there are heaps of people on this forum that will be glad to help, Including me.

Sy

[M]

Why is Dirk dressed like a baseball playing murder victim? I thought that was kind of distracting.

[Dakutis]

Nice start for this game.
Btw, works fine on opera 12.11 (rc2), so i assume, it's ok with 12.10 too

Thanks man, and good that it working with opera, I write this this in my webpage(and later in game). I don't understand why game don't work with Chrome (especially that I use it most). With Crome don't working score, and all functions with points.

Why is Dirk dressed like a baseball playing murder victim? I thought that was kind of distracting.

Because he is a little bit crazy man And he never dress like all others.

Speaking of which, are you planning on implementing any sort of save game function?

There is "Save, Load" function. What about "You turn around to the sound" thats to Superawesomemans, in original text there was "You turned to the sound".

Ant to all. about story. When I started this project I did not have any story were ready. It is hard to change something now. Now we need to drop everything and start all over again, or somehow finish as it is.
But the goal of this game is not to meet a girl and have sex with her, but to live as you wish. I don't want to say more because it will reveal further the storyline.

I am also grateful that you write, and you are giving me advice, they're really useful, something I can use in this game, something perhaps I use in others. This is my first game and I do not know many things before starting.

[ExLibris]

Speaking of which, are you planning on implementing any sort of save game function?

There is "Save, Load" function.

Whoops. I don't know if it's because it was blue text on black background, or I'm just really unobservant (probably the latter), but I completely missed that.

[ExLibris]

Why is Dirk dressed like a baseball playing murder victim? I thought that was kind of distracting.

By the same token, why is Mia dressed to go clubbing when she first meets the PC? And why do the toilets at the PC's office look like they belong in some seedy dive bar? I think I can guess the answer, but I did find it distracting. Also, is there some reason why Dirk and the unnamed girl are in the bathroom at the PC's office? It seems way too coincidental, especially since the PC has apparently never seen either of them before.

Anyhow, if the game ends up with the PC being forced to choose between Lily and Mia (which is where the set up seems to be leading to), you probably want to start thinking about how you're going to differentiate them in terms of characterisation and why the PC is specifically attracted to them. Also, the PC seems very passive in terms of suggesting where the dates are going to take place. Mia suggests going to the country, Lily suggests going to the gym and the park. The visit to Lily's home just kind of happens. By the way, for that date, who lets the PC in? For all the explanation that's provided it seems like they leave their door unlocked and the PC just wanders in, which is a bit creepy.

[Dakutis]

Why is Dirk dressed like a baseball playing murder victim? I thought that was kind of distracting.

By the same token, why is Mia dressed to go clubbing when she first meets the PC? And why do the toilets at the PC's office look like they belong in some seedy dive bar? I think I can guess the answer, but I did find it distracting. Also, is there some reason why Dirk and the unnamed girl are in the bathroom at the PC's office? It seems way too coincidental, especially since the PC has apparently never seen either of them before.

Anyhow, if the game ends up with the PC being forced to choose between Lily and Mia (which is where the set up seems to be leading to), you probably want to start thinking about how you're going to differentiate them in terms of characterisation and why the PC is specifically attracted to them. Also, the PC seems very passive in terms of suggesting where the dates are going to take place. Mia suggests going to the country, Lily suggests going to the gym and the park. The visit to Lily's home just kind of happens. By the way, for that date, who lets the PC in? For all the explanation that's provided it seems like they leave their door unlocked and the PC just wanders in, which is a bit creepy.

Mia dressed like that because: (from game - "[Mia:] "Sorry Aaron, but I'm running late for a date with my boyfriend. Maybe some other time?" - and where they go with Dirk? Maybe to the club?)
About toilet you can write your guess in private message. Dirk and Sandy (unnamed girl) are in the bathroom at the PC's office because Sandy working in that building too only in other firm.
"It seems way too coincidental, especially since the PC has apparently never seen either of them before." - sorry there I don't understand what you want to say. You want to say that PC don't see them together?
PC don't choose between Lily and Mia, it all depends on his actions carried out earlier. About who lets the PC in, yes there is no explanation,here's my mistake.

[Greebo]

An extremely minor point Dakutis -- couldn't you find a more salubrious bathroom/washroom/loo for the office building? If I ever worked somewhere that had such disgusting toilet facilities, I would organise a company wide revolt until they refurbished them!

[Dakutis]

An extremely minor point Dakutis -- couldn't you find a more salubrious bathroom/washroom/loo for the office building? If I ever worked somewhere that had such disgusting toilet facilities, I would organise a company wide revolt until they refurbished them!

There you go: new washroom now it is better?